In this paper on emotional intelligence I am sharing my dream with you, a dream on how to be emotionally intelligent (a mature Christian).¼br /> ¼br /> EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE DEFINED. Emotional intelligence is that ability to recognise our own feelings and those of others, for managing emotions well in ourselves and in our relationships. In other words it is the ability to monitor one’s own and other’s emotions, to discriminate among them, and to use the information to guide one’s thinking and actions. It is abilities distinct from, but complementary to, academic intelligence, the purely cognitive capacities measured by IQ. Many people who are book smart but lack emotional intelligence end up working for people who have lower IQs than they, but who excel in emotional intelligence skills.
Emotional intelligence is the ability to know one’s own inner world and be fully comfortable with it. It is a set of skills that leads to greater stability, better academic and professional functioning, excellent social functioning, better physical health and more personal happiness. (Information obtained from reading Daniel Coleman’s books and other resources as stated in previous documents.)
The emotional intelligent Christian is a person with joy and peace in his inner being. He has found his peace and rest in Christ. He is optimistic and sees the positive side of life.
The emotional intelligent person has a good self-image. He likes himself and he likes other people. If he is a Christian he will not exalt himself in this process. He will remain very humble.  He feels good about himself and about other people around him. . He has developed an ability to interact well with other people. He understands the win/win/ paradigm that Arnold Mol and Stephen Covey talk about. Covey says that win/win is a frame of mind and heart that constantly seeks mutual benefit in all human interactions. Win/win means that agreements and solutions are mutually beneficial, mutually satisfying. Win/win sees life as a cooperative and not competitive arena. A Person with emotional intelligence has come to a place where he is at peace with himself and with those around him but especially with God. .
After considering the above carefully I tried to visualize the emotionally intelligent Christian. I wrote an ideal down for myself. This is my dream for myself and I am going to share this with you.

It is for us as Christians to die to self completely and live in the will of God. This is no easy because my own wnats and needs can so easily stand between my dying to self and to really understanding God\’s will for me. It is being filled by the Holy Spirit and if you are filled anyone will be able to see that your life is being controlled by the Spirit. The Holy Spirit enriches and beautifies the life He fills. A Spirit-filled Christian will be an outspoken Christian who relies completely on the Lord.

CHARACTERISTICS OF THE EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENT CHRISTIAN.
LOVE: LOVE THE LORD. The emotional intelligent Christian will love the Lord our God, with all his heart, his soul and spirit. He will love Him and glorify Him.
LOVE HIS BROTHER. In this respect I want to refer the reader to 1 John verse 7 “Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and everyone that loveth is of born of God, and knoweth God”. John continues by saying in verse 11 that if God so loved us (to send His only Son to die for our sins on the cross) we ought also to love one anther. If I am filled with God’s Spirit I will be drenched in His love and I would be able to love my neighbour as myself. Jesus said, “Love your neighbour as yourself. I believe that if we love one another, God will dwell in us, and His love will be perfected in us. .
HE WILL BE SERVING CHRIST. Proverbs 11verse.28  “A life devoted to things is a dead life, a stump; a God shaped life is a flourishing tree”. There will be a realization that it is not about me, it is about God. The E I Christian will know his purpose in life. The two main goals of our purpose on earth is 1) to glorify God by loving Him, by worshipping Him, by serving Him, by loving and serving our neighbours and 2) to spread the good news, the wonderful news that Jesus is our Lord and Saviour. Many of us claim that we are Christians but are fighting with our wives, neighbours or colleagues
LOVING KINDNESS. Jesus modeled the way for us. Like Him, we should be filled with Christ’s love and His kindness.¼br /> GRACE. Grace means giving unmerited favour. God’s grace is that show of kindness by which God bestows favours upon the ill deserving, and grants to sinners the pardon of their offences and gives them eternal salvation through Christ.  God has been and still is and always will be graceful to us as Christians. God’s grace to me is great because I am a sinner. I bathe myself in that grace. We are to stand in grace, grow in grace and be strong in grace. . Because of God’s grace, our sins are forgiven as if we have never sinned. Our wrongs are not kept against us.  It is a wonderful ability to be filled with God’s grace and if and when fellow Christians mess up, we must be graceful.
SYMPATHY AND EMPATHY. The emotional intelligent person understands the roots of empathy. Empathy builds on self-awareness. The more open we are to our own emotions, the more skilled we will be in reading other people’ s feelings, understanding other people’s feelings and acting correctly. Seek first to understand, then to be understood. One of our biggest shortcomings is, that we are listening to reply and not listening to hear. We Christians must be at peace with ourselves and other people around us. I think that if you are at peace with yourself you will live in peace with all around you.  We will then show sympathy and empathy to people in need, to all people around us.
2 Peter 2 verse 2 “”Grace and Peace be multiplied unto you through the knowledge of God, and of Jesus our Lord”. The emotional mature Christian will have found his peace in the Lord. He will understand his own feelings and therefore he will have an understanding of other’s feelings, hurts and needs. . He will be able to sense other’s feelings and perspectives. He will be able to show genuine interest in the other person’s concerns, problems and views. He will be a good and empathetic listener who has the ability to sense other’s development needs and can advise, coach or counsel them. It will be easy for him to walk in another person’s shoes to really understand how that person feels. He would have died to self completely and be able to give of himself.
TEMPERANCE, PATIENCE AND GODLINESS. In 2 Peter 1:4-8 we read about glory and virtue.” Whereby are given unto us exceeding great and precious promises: that by these ye might be partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust.  Add to your faith virtue; and to your virtue, knowledge; and to your knowledge, temperance:  and to temperance, patience; and to patience, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love”.
MERCY. I believe in a Jesus who is patient, who is long-suffering, who shows mercy and grace. And I want to be like Him. As He is merciful to me I must show mercy. Psalm 23 verse 6  “Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”
MAINTAIN GOOD RELATIONSHIPS.
EXCELLENT SOCIAL AND INTERPERSONAL SKILLS.  (Emotional Intelligence in the world) After contemplating on the emotional Christian and love I came to the conclusion that the emotional intelligent Christian will understand and experience the father’s love for him. His intra- personal relationship is in order. He talks to the Lord and tells him how much he loves him, he shares all his dreams with the Lord, he prays, yes he spends hours in prayer and read and study his bible. He is at peace with God and himself. He will be able to give love to all around because he feels secure in God’s love for him. He thus has excellent inter- personal relationships.
EMODTIONAL SELF-CONTROL. The emotional intelligent Christian will strive to be a partaker of God’s nature. He will make a serious effort to be in control of his emotions and will not allow his emotions to control him. He will use his pause button to ensure that he is in control of the situation.  The emotional intelligent person is very sensitive for other people’s feelings. It is abilities distinct from but complimentary to the purely cognitive abilities measured by I. Q.
JOYFUL GIVER. He will be a joyful giver. He will give his tithes and offerings. He will give wherever he sees a need. He will just be giving. Luke 6 verse 38 “Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again.”
MATURITY .He will be a mature Christian. HE WILL BE SPIRITUALLY AND EMOTIONALLY MATURE. He will have grown up and grown out of his nappies. One grows up because you want to grow.  2 Corinthians 13verse 9:   “Our greatest wish and prayer is that you will become mature Christians”. The New Testament is very clear that God’s will for every believer is spiritual maturity. He wants us to grow up. Paul said in Ephesians 4verse14:  “That we henceforth be no more children, tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the sleight of men, and cunning craftiness, whereby they lie in wait to deceive” Verse 15 “ But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ.”   Yes fellow Christians, you find your sufficiency in the Lord.
COMMITTED, DEDICATED AND CONTROLLED BY THE SPIRIT.¼br /> COMMITMENT.  HE WILL BE COMMITTED TO THE WORK OF THE LORD; TO THE CHURCH HE BELONGS TO AND TO HIS FAMILY. .
DO ACCURATE SELF-ASSESSMENT. He will know his own strengths and limitations. With the Lord’s help and a belief in Christ and in himself he will be able to overcome many limitations. He will not be double minded. He will turn his back on his old life and not be with one foot in the world and the other in Christ. As I have stated before he will be decisive and not unsure of where he is going.
REACHING OUT FOR GOD’S BEST. The power of sin can be broken, temptations can be overcome, fear can be conquered, depression and anxieties put away, when you are in God’s complete will. The mature Christian will spend hours in prayer in order to find God’s will for his life and to make his needs and aspirations known to God and to give thanks to the Father all the time.
BLESSING. HE WILL SPEAK WORDS THAT WILL BLESS OTHERS
SELF DISCIPLINE. The emotional intelligent Christian will also have self-discipline. He will lead a well-disciplined life. He will be disciplined when spending his money, in his eating habits, when disciplining his children.
ANGER; The EI Christian, will, when he is emotionally upset or stirred, be very careful of acting quickly upon that emotion. This is the time that we will use the well-known pause button of emotional intelligence. Emotions often cloud our mind and weaken our ability to do what God expects from is, to do the godly. Don’t act hastily. Don’t loose your temper and shout, point fingers or say anything degrading, or anything that you may be sorry about.  Get calm and think it all through. The emotional intelligent person will recognize her own state of mind as well as that of the other person. The time that you take to react (that blaaskansie) means that you give the Spirit of God time to work in you, enabling you to pass over the transgression against you
       HUMBLE. Above all he wants people to see Jesus in his life. He never wants any of the glory to himself. Gal. 2: verse 20. “I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live but Christ who lives in me; and the life that I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself to me.” This is also true when there is conflict, hurt and anger.  Some bosses will take the work done by an employee as if he has done it all and take all the glory for himself.  Recognition should be given to the one who did the work.
      The more there is of Christ, the more His power will flow through us. God one night spoke to Smith Wiggelsworth and said I am going to burn you up completely until there is no more Wiggelsworth, only Jesus. And he replied Oh, God come and do it. I don’t want them to see me anymore, only Jesus. And this must be the heart’s cry of every Christian   none of me   all of Jesus    ¼br />         LIBERTY AND HONESTY. . 2 COR. 3 VERSE 17: “where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty”.  2 COR. 4 VERSE 2: “But have renounced the hidden things of dishonesty, not walking in craftiness, nor handling the word of God deceitfully, but by manifestation of the truth commending ourselves to everyman’s conscience in the sight of God”. If we are going to get the best that God has for us, there must be a spiritual desire, an open ear, and an understanding heart. We must get our revelations from the Spirit. We must be filled with the Spirit and live a Spirit filled life. Where the spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty. Verse by verse this chapter must become Rema to us. It must become the reality. “Our sufficiency is from God.” We are sons of God.  2 COR.4 VERSES 7, 8 AND 9. “  But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the Excellency of the power may be of God and not of us. We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not destroyed; persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed.”
 John 3 verse 2 and Gal 4 verse 7:  “Therefore thou art no more a servant, but a son, and if a son, then an heir of God through Christ.”
 Hebrew 1:3 in the new International version says “The Son is the radiance of God’s glory and the exact representation of His being. Jesus showed love, kindness and mercy.” Do we have that, is it part of us? The hard words that Jesus had were for the religious leaders. If I am to become like Him, I have to see him as He is. There is so much to learn from Him in the gospels.  He met people’s needs, he related well to people. He healed the sick. He extended mercy. He was love personified. His life shows me the character of the Father. Do good to them that hate you. Can you do that?  Bless them that curse you. I pray to God that I may become more and more like Jesus, my Jesus who died on the cross for me.¼br /> MOTIVATED. Motivation forms an integral part of emotional intelligence. It will be important for him to have a vision for his own life and to share in the vision of his church. He will have clearly formulated goals and be motivated to reach these goals. He will have goals for his business, his personal life, his family and his spiritual growth. I see such a person as an involved member of a church, serving Christ and loyal to the church and the leadership. He will be goal and purpose oriented. He will be decisive on the one hand and expectant on the other hand. Most of us do not accomplish much because we do not expect to accomplish much. Our God has boundless resources. The only limit is in us. Let us decide to accomplish in our personal and spiritual life. Let us strive for excellence and be in alignment with the goals of our church specifically and with the church and Christianity in general. Obstacles and setbacks will be challenges.¼br /> Joshua made the decision and God encouraged him “There shall not be any man be able to stand before thee all the days of thy life, as I was with Moses, so I will be with thee, I will not fail thee nor forsake thee” To whatever degree Joshua was able to stand on God’s promises and in His love, he overcame the fears he harboured about leading the people into Canaan. We as Christians have nothing fear if we put our trust completely in the Lord.
EFFICACY. (Efficacy in a person means that you have effectiveness, efficiency and sufficiency that you have succeeded to reach your goal.) The emotional intelligent Christian   will find his efficacy (and sufficiency) in Christ.  In the theory of emotional intelligence they talk about self-efficacy, I have that same efficacy and sufficiency but I find it in my total dependence on Christ.  I have mastery over my life, but Christ has mastery over it all.  In the world they say self-efficacy is the knowledge that one has mastery over one’s life and can meet challenges as they come up. I have that knowledge that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, because I totally depend on my Saviour and my heavenly Father. I see every failure as a challenge. Jesus is my source. I can be fruitful. POTENTIAL. Christians should make a serious effort to reach their potential, to become all they are capable of becoming.
To reach our potential we have to move out of our comfort zone. This change and growth process does not happen without pain. John C. Maxwell says that the great goal of becoming what one is capable of becoming can be achieved only by those who are willing to pay the price, and the price, he says, always involves sacrifice, discomfort, unpleasantness and even pain.
The person who has this good feeling about himself, who says I can through Christ that strengthens me, in him develops a flow between emotional intelligence and peak performance. The emotional brain and the cognitive brain are in perfect flow. The cognitive brain is operating at peak efficiency and ability without any anxiety or fear and limitation. This, my brother and sister is the bottom line of emotional intelligence, this perfect flow between E Q and IQ and SQ (spiritual maturity)
OFFENCES.
 I sincerely believe that the emotional intelligent Christian must have an inner satisfaction that will prevent him from being easily offended. Unfortunately the opposite is often true and too often a Christians’ greatest drawback is that we get easily offended. We should all have a pause button for offences. This pause button should give us time to completely rid ourselves from getting offended. Years ago I got this revelation that we as Christians are hampered and limited in our spiritual growth because we get so easily offended. I still see it happening and it often influences the spiritual growth in a specific church.  It is as if some members are sitting and waiting for the next offence to happen. We should all take the decision brother and sister, “ I will not be offended”. And “I will try not to offend and hurt other people. I am not important. I will not exalt myself and put the other one down.” I think that in our church we have outgrown this, we have matured beyond this. There is no place for pettiness in a Christian’s life.  It is important for all Christians to come to a place where they will be assertive and will say but what you are saying is hurting me, you are patronizing me.  Do you really mean it, as I understand it? I think you are a bit unfair. At the same time we must not be easily hurt while on the other hand be watchful for another person’s hurts. It should become every Christian’s serious intention not to hurt other Christians and to have lots of patience with each other. Let us have spiritual and emotional maturity.
THE EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENT CHRISTIAN AND THE FAMILY.  Jeff van Vonderen writes the following about the family “ By God’s design, the primary channel for learning one’s identity, for having needs met, for understanding who God is, and for developing relationships, is the family.  In families we can acquire a deeply ingrained sense of defectiveness and never measuring up – or we can develop the inner strength and outside skills to fully function as healthy human beings.   Family members must feel that they are loved, accepted, capable, valuable and supported. In this family there will be an environment of empowering, of loving and kind relationships and members will be spiritually, emotionally and physically healthy.  Mothers and fathers will love each other, will cleave to each other, the Dad will be the priest and take responsibility for the well being of every family member. He will love his wife as Jesus loved the church. Parents will lay a firm foundation for their children’s faith through passing on the truths of God’s Word through all the stages of childhood.  The child who is loved intimately from the day he is born will be far more secure than the rejected or neglected child.
CHURCH. The Christian with EI will belong to a church. He will be actively participating in a bible teaching church because in it is many safeguards against the erosion of the family. In a church the people are trained in the principles of happy family living. The church will help the parents and the children mature spiritually. I see in the church that I am attending, the spiritual growth of the youth for instance. I see how they one by one find their own identity in Christ, how the youth leaders help them and guide them and train them. The youth leaders are a couple who started dating in our church, who got engaged and married in our church and who are now expecting their first baby. The pastors sown into their lives and in return this couple has sown many positive seeds into our young people. In a church every member’s spiritual life can be nurtured. It is for you to decide whether you want it¼br />  CONCLUSION
 Dear Christian friend, my last wish for me and for you is that we will be completely and totally committed to Christ.  I LOVE Him so much. He is my Saviour.
 I   believe “Our God is able to do exceeding abundantly beyond all that we can ask or think, according to the power within us”. He is my provider. He is omnipotent. He is the Almighty, the All -Powerful One. He is both the Eternal and the Resurrected One.   With my life I want to Glorify Him and I challenge you to do the same.  And a special challenge to every parent.
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I have a message for you to day, especially for those who say I have been thrown into the deep end. The only person who can stop you from reaching your potential, from becoming the person God intended you to become, the manager you should be and success,
 is you.  If you have accepted a manager’s post you have accepted the responsibility to succeed.¼br /> ¼br /> My first advice to you as a person in a manager’s post is accept your role as manager with all its functions and responsibilities.
¼br />  We must learn to be a leader before we can be a successful manager. . There is this chain reaction. You must be a good follower before you can become a good leader, then you must be a good leader before you can become a good manager.
¼br /> Lead your people, show them your vision, guide them, take good care of them, protect them and I can guarantee you that they will do their best and take good care of you. Don’t sit on a high throne when you are on the top. Highly motivated employees with the right vision, good communication and great tools will do their best to make the team succeed.  Learn and understand the principal of joint decision-making.¼br /> ¼br /> Have confidence in your people and let them do their job. Hiring the right person for each job and inspiring trust and loyalty in all of them.  If you hired the wrong person who is not qualified for the job, who is not honest, trustworthy and loyal then you are in big trouble..
¼br /> To be successful in today’s world, the manager must fulfill a contemporary role – that of a human development specialist. It has much to do with a mature personality. People are productive, creative and internally motivated to the extent that they have matured. .
¼br /> MANAGING YOURSELF
Before we can help others to develop into a mature personality we have to look at ourselves.
¼br /> Growth is at the heart of a real manager development effort. The more realistic your view is of yourself, the more guaranteed is personal effectiveness. . I have learnt that there is a  ladder of growth until the responsible level is reached where the manager is responsible, mature and emotional intelligent. As a person matures she spends more and more time at the upper levels of the ladder.
¼br /> Level 1 – Remain detached.
 The people at this level remain uninvolved with the people they work with and often with the job itself. They do the tasks that come up but do not take full responsibility for the management task they are responsible for. They do not adapt well to new situations and fear change. They often repeat the same mistakes and tell you that they are exhausted and not coping with the job. Their feelings of powerlessness are reinforced since others see them as incapable, inefficient and ineffective.
¼br />  Level 2 – Blaming others
As young children many people learn to protect themselves by blaming other people or circumstances when things go wrong. Unfortunately many adults continue to operate at this level. They so firmly believe that external events or other people are the cause of their misery that they continue to adhere to such notions even when positive opportunities for change are available.
¼br /> At this level managers project their own feelings of inadequacy onto others.  They blame staff members and use fear as a primary motivation to run their departments or their society. They are inclined to be authoritarian and often assume that staff members are basically lazy and stupid and must be coerced into productivity. Because staff members resent such treatment instead of growing and developing they also start defending themselves and blaming others.
¼br /> Level 3.  The “pleasing” level
Managers on the conformist level place great emphasis on being liked by others. They like to play it safe. The office of such a manager is often not as productive as it should be because this person cannot confront people or address problem behaviour or inadequacies.
¼br /> Level 4.  The accomplishment level.
These managers strive to achieve in order to get approval. They are productive, goal oriented and meet deadlines. They work under a great deal of pressure and put pressure and often too much pressure on the people working with them. Some of these people at achievement/accomplishment  level are not good planners and must often get a job well done in a short period of time. They end up creating a crisis situation for themselves and the persons working close to them. They do not share information easily. They gather information from everybody and everywhere but keep certain important information to themselves.
They change decisions as it suits them and upset people working with them
These people do not understand principles of synergy or the principle that Arnold Moll talk about “Let us both win” They often win at other people’s cost.
¼br /> Level 5. The responsible, mature and emotionally intelligent level.
These managers like themselves and the people they work with. They are fully functional people with a high level of adaptability and creativity. If the person on top is functioning on this level the other will soon be following. The ultimate goal in any organization is to have as many people operating on this level as possible. They are very responsible people.
They are able to develop a shared vision and a strategic plan.
¼br /> These managers are effective without the undue stress evident at  level 4. They are able to make decisions and lead effectively. They provide effective feedback to staff members, by acknowledging positive performance and providing constructive feedback for negative performance. They understand the join decision-making process. Giving feedback, negotiate and renegotiate, that you must be good at. They understand the principle of joint-decision-making.
¼br /> Rather than blaming others or circumstances when they experience failure, they assume responsibility and therefore, are much more resilient. They plan well, their activities are directed and they exhibit far more energy than any other level in the accomplishment of their activities.
¼br /> They communicate very well and tend to have positive relationships with staff members and with their own superior. In their personal lives they maintain a very healthy balance with work, love and play.
¼br /> They know who they are and like themselves. They are emotionally intelligent and I am going to give you a short overview of such a person.
¼br /> Their lives and their work are well structured.
¼br /> Read the article on the emotionally intelligent leader.
¼br />

CHEEZA’S STORY  A LONE CRY FOR HELP.
           Sick and Forgotten by family and friends. Cheeza was the first one I met when I arrived at the Home. A lovely six-year-old but very tiny and very thin. It was love at first sight for both of us. He was joyful and happy but very sick!Cheeza Thamsanqa Sixaba was born on the 6th of April 2000. His mother died of Aids when he was small.  No one in his family had the means or the heart to care for him. He was in and out of hospital for most of his life.

A project of Family Restoration Services 

A project where broken, neglected, abused and orphaned children are loved, cared for, nurtured and protected.  A place where children laugh, play and have fun!

 Four foster care homes, called the Thamsanqa homes, are being developed by Family Restoration Services in Motherwell, Port Elizabeth.  The plan is to add more homes and more children as soon as these four homes are functioning satisfactorily.

At the moment 12 children are living in a small 2-bedroomed house that the Salvation Army kindly made available when the children were put out of a house that a community member made available to them. Accommodating these 12 children in two foster homes is our main aim. We want them to be safe, secure, nurtured and loved. The foster mothers will be screened and trained.  They will be enabled to nurture, care and protect the children
The children will be accommodated in adequately furnished three bed-roomed homes situated near schools, clinics, and churches.
Simultaneously the other two houses will be bought, furbished and children placed in them. Children are waiting to be placed. In these 4 houses 24 children will be placed and cared for.
There is a big need for many more similar homes in Port Elizabeth and surrounding areas. For this project to grow and develop financial support is needed.

Our goal is to provide orphaned, abandoned, neglected and HIV/AIDS affected and infected children with homes filled with love and laughter. We want to take it further and support these children until they are ready to enter the open labour market being well qualified.

The project currently receives a great deal of support from Round Table No. 8, Port Elizabeth and recently staff from Edcon  (Edgars and Jet Stores) has joined us and decided to support the project for a year  - giving to the children.
Bank details:
Account Name: Family Restoration Services     Type:                 Cheque.
Bank:                 ABSA
Account No:      406 202 3098  Branch:    632005 (Newton Park)

The family forms the cornerstone of any community. The family is the most important single factor in the moulding of a human being. It either prepares him to reach for his ultimate destiny and fulfillment, or it cripples and inhibits him not to reach his ultimate destiny and fulfillment. It is here where children are shaped and trained and prepared for adulthood and the way they will conduct their lives. I want to talk to you to day about the signs of an effective Christian family. It is by these qualities that the world will know and envy us.

FILLED WITH THE HOLY SPIRIT.
When a Christian family believes in God and is controlled by the Holy Spirit the husband will be the priest and love his wife and children, the wife will submit to the husband, the children will be obedient, father and mother will take the time to nurture their children and teach them to love the Lord. I challenge every father present here today to accept and fulfill this role as priest. The mother is the person who develops a culture in the home. It is the mother’s love and care that brings a culture of love and kindness and care into a home. She can only fulfill her role completely if the father is the priest in the home and he loves her as Christ loves the church. He will be willing to sacrifice many things in order for his family o be happy and content. (I refer again to this in paragraphs 3 and 4)

THE HOME A SAFE HAVEN FOR ALL FAMILY MEMBERS.
A home environment of warmth, affection and unity should be created. Parents, must start with yourselves and model affection and compassion.. Remember the parent is the adult and should act that way. In a safe haven children are accepted for who they are, they are comforted and receives all the attention they need. They need affirmation and approval. They need time from the parent to look at their homework and school report and say well done.

A FAMILY WHERE THE FATHER HAS TAKEN FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE WELL-BEING OF EVERY FAMILY MEMBER.
Dobson says, “I believe with everything within me that husbands hold the key to the preservation of the family. Most of a child’s self-identity will be influenced by the father’s words and treatment of family members. It is in the father’s hands to make the child believe that he is special, valuable and good or on the other hand a worthless brat. All this depends on the messages he/she receives from the father. The influence of the father will be enhanced when the mother is fulfilling the mother role of loving, nurturing, caring, encouraging, homemaker.

A FAMILY WHERE THE MOTHER CREATES THE ATMOSPHERE IN THE HOUSE.
The mother gives the father the place as head of the house and respects him as such.. She makes the home a place where family members can relax, feel secure, be themselves etc. The mother is the woman as described in proverbs 31. Kindness is on her tongue. Her husband is respected by all because she respects him. Clear and sound communication between family members is often lacking. Christian parents I plead with you to-night listen to your children, talk to your children. Use the 5 languages of love: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, physical touch. Gary Chapman says that most of us have a primary love language and perhaps a strong secondary one, although all of them can be important to good communication and relationship building. I urge you today to go and find out what the love lanuage of every member in your family is and to use that language.

INTIMACY BETWEEN HUSBAND AND WIFE.
To have intimacy means to have inner contact. It is entering into each other’s lives emotionally, intellectually, socially, physically and spiritually. It is connecting at the sense of love and trust. . We have each other’s best interests in mind. There are many hindrances in our daily lives that prevent intimacy. Intimacy is communication at the highest level. It is a place where your deepest thoughts and dreams and pains and failures are shared with your spouse. Intimacy between husband and wife spills over into the rest of the family relationships. It provides the highest level of security for children. I remember my Mom and Dad talking at night. It gave me a wonderful feeling of comfort and security.

EQUIPPING WITHOUT TRIPPING.
In a Christian family parenting takes place with affirmation, warmth and encouragement. It is expected of Christian parents to stop shame based parenting. A child has an emotional bank account. Using this analogy, shame based parenting usually takes out many more withdrawals than deposits. Shame based parenting uses words and actions that cause children to think they are not loved or lovable. In Mathew 18: 6 Jesus said, “Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to stumble, it is better for him that a heavy milestone be hung around his neck, and that he be drowned in the depths of the sea”. This scripture is a serious warning to parents. If teaching and training are the two wheels upon which the chariots of parenting rolls, then love is the oil that keeps the wheels running smoothly.. Whatever a child should say of his parents, he should say, my dad loves me, my mom loves me. Every child must be able to bathe himself in his parent’s love. He must be sure of that.

CREATIVE TRAINING.
The parent should help the child develop an attitude of learning and help keep the child’s mind open to a lifetime of learning. The chariot of parenting rolls on the two wheels of teaching and training. There must be creative encouragement, creative instruction and creative correction. Correction can be given positively or negatively. We want to stimulate the child to positive behavior. If correction is needed it must happen out of love and not out of uncontrollable anger. Love seeks the well being of the child and the improvement in the behaviour of the child. Creative correction must also seek to explain. Creative correction means that you do not dwell on past misbehaviours.

THE POWER OF A PARENT’S WORDS.
It is very important for parents to realize that they can make or break their children by their communication style. A parent is not building his child’s elf-esteem if he is shouting and screaming and loosing his cool. “ I had to listen the other day when a parent said to his child you are acting like a donkey” Then looking at me he said I did no say he is a donkey. No he did not but he implied it. Parents should be kind and firm and using loving, effective communication, endeavouring to increase your child’s self-esteem. A parent’s words carry much power.

AN ATTITUDE OF SERVICE.
This attitude begins in the hearts of both parents. Do you have an attitude of service in your family? Service is the hallmark of greatness. An attitude of service renders service that is freely given. There is much work in the house to be done but if everyone does his bit and beyond there will be very little to be done. In a functional family this attitude or the value of helping each other serves as the oil that lubricated the wheels of family life.
Albert Schweitzer said, “I don’t know what your destiny will be, but one thing I know. The only ones among you who will really be happy are those who have sought and found how to serve. Yes, it will take you from survival, to stability, to success, to significance.

OBEDIENT CHILDREN.
It is 4.30 in the afternoon. Little Derek’s Dad said to him “I’m sorry son, but you cannot ride your bicycle to-day. You left it outside last night and the rule is, that you may not ride the bike the next day. All Derek’s pleas fall on deaf ears. Without scream and shout that is the rule. Children must learn to live by the rules. Every society has rules and so should every household. Parents should be united in their disciplining methods. The basis is consistency and insistence. The formula according to Tim and Bev LaHaya is: Instruction + love + insistence = effective training.

GRACE..
A grace filled family is the opposite of a shame filled family. Family members gracefully accept each other’s mistakes, faults and shortcomings. When Grace abounds there is kindness, understanding, love, joy peace.

SPIRITUAL LEGACY.
One of my biggest fears is that families aren’t investing the time and energy it takes to leave a spiritual legacy for their children. A child’s faith is very dependent on the examples they see at home. How is your time with God? Do you live out a vibrant contagious faith? There are many joys and many privileges in parenting but the greatest privilege parents can have is to lead their children to the point where they will put their trust in the Lord Jesus Christ and commit their lives to him. Parents make that effort invest time and energy.

CONCLUSION
In a Spirit filled, God loving home there is no rejection, no abuse, no blaming and shaming. This is a topic for another night.
Parents, the home molds character and personality, give values. Don’t ever underestimate your responsibilities. Fortunately children do not need perfect parents. And God does not ask us to be perfect. We need to give them the security of a life with Christ. Then much will fall into place. Pray for your family, pray without ceasing. Ensure that all the characteristics of love are present in your home: Patience, kindness humbleness, humility, generosity, politeness, unselfishness, gracious living, grace, trust, and selflessness.

ANGER MANAGEMENT IN CHILDREN
This article is meant for parents and foster parents with children who display anger and for social workers and childcare workers in a Children’s Home. Many children in a Children’s Home have never learnt ways to cope with anger and feel that they only receive attention if they throw tantrums, break windows and hurt other children. This is also true for many children growing up in a defective family or parents without parenting skills and parents who are not emotionally mature. Sometimes circumstances outside the parent or caregiver’s control result in a child with anger and angry feelings.

ANGER MANAGEMENT

INTRODUCTION
An angry or difficult child often causes a parent or caregiver to feel inadequate and helpless. With this article I want to help parents and caregivers to take control of the situation and to develop the skills to help their child. I do believe that where there is an angry child, there is also an angry parent. If there is a parent who knows ho to control and channel his anger, the child may follow suit.
Anger is a completely normal, secondary human emotion. When anger is out of control, problems develop, especially when a person lashes out physically. Often people allow anger to control them instead of being in control of their anger. It is also true that some people get angry more easily than others. Psychologists say some people have a low tolerance for frustrations. I have discovered that angry children often come from homes that are disruptive, chaotic and where the parents are not in control of their emotions or are emotionally unintelligent. Sometimes the parents are very perfectionistic and materialistic and the home culture is not one of love and attention. In such cases, the parents may need help and counseling.

NURTURING HOME AND SAFE HAVEN.
The home must be a place where a child feels safe and nurtured. You can read my article on a framework for a Christian Family to get an understanding of the requirements for a nurturing home

GOOD COMMUNICATION AND EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE IN THE HOME
Parents must be good and clear communicators and people with communication and negotiation
skills. Parents and caregivers with emotional intelligence will have a big advance and a bigger chance correct matters. Emotional Intelligence is that ability to recognize our own feelings and those of others, for managing our emotions well in ourselves and in our relationships. The bottom line applicable here is that ability to be in control of my emotions.

COPING SKILLS AND MODELLING ANGER MANAGEMENT.
All of us know that the best way to teach healthy coping ways is to model good coping skills ourselves. Parents and caregivers take the decision that you will channel the energy of anger to get constructive results. If you are emotionally intelligent and in control of your emotions it will be easy for you to help your child.
If you often loose it and slam doors or kick the cat then I it is understandable that your child will follow your example.

At 7 years old the child may be slamming doors, yelling and pulling somebody’s hair when he is angry and if he does not learn the correct ways to channel his anger ha may develop many other incorrect ways by the time he is 16 to say I am angry or frustrated. He will find his own path because his parents or caregiver haven’t taught or modeled the correct one.

The first and biggest mistakes that you as a parent or caregiver can make is to loose your cool and be sucked into the heat of the moment. It is bad to loose your temper when your child has lost his. You are the adult, the mature person. You will have to make the decision now to act mature and model the way. . I watched such a situation the other day. The moment the caregiver shouted at the child in a raised voice, the child lost it and started slamming the doors, the walls and the table. I saw a father teasing his child and when things did not go the father’s way he screamed at the child and slapped him against the head. The child was sitting playing peacefully when the father started all that.
One day a Dad tickled his son. He knows the little boy is helpless when he does that and the boy kicked out and kicked his little bother. What happened, the father lost his cool and screamed at him and was really nasty. Isn’t that provoking your child? What I really want to say is grow up, parents and caregivers.

When a child sees an adult managing his own frustration and anger well, he will learn by example. When a parent is cross he can say I am very cross and upset now and I am going for a walk. We will talk later.

SHOW RESPECT.
As much as the adult wants the child to show respect, parents must respect their children and sometimes they have to respect their privacy and their wanting to be alone and doing their own things. They also often need time out.

GIVE THEM WORDS TO EXPRESS THEIR ANGER.
Years ago when I did the S T E P course, we were taught to recognize children’s feelings and help the child to recognise his own feelings. Your little boy come from school and throw his school bag in a corner and say “ I hate school” The parent will upset the child more by saying “tomorrow it will be better. Go put your bag in your room”. Instead you can say, “Johnny something very upsetting must have happened at school to make you say that. Do you want to tell me about it”. Tell him that you recognize the anger, the sadness, and the frustration.

TEACH THEM THE VALUE OF CREATIVE, ASSERTIVE CONFRONTATION AND KEEPING YOUR COOL.
Your son’s best friend wiped a game from his (your sons) computer. Jared threatens to do the same or more to Mathew’s computer. You have to coach Jared how to confront Mathew. It may be a very difficult task. Discuss the matter and help him to get an acceptable solution. Praise him for his effort, not necessarily for his success. A person will feel better if you let your anger out the right way. I like to tell children to do it the smart way. If they stay calm they remain in control. The moment you loose your cool you are going out of control and people loose their respect for you.
Stay calm and in control.

IDENTIFY WITH THEIR PAIN.
As you recognise the feeling, identify with their pain. I love to tell my grandchildren now that I have been in the same situation. “Ouma was so distressed when I was not invited to head girl’s party. I cried silently in my room and then went outside and skipped till I felt better”. Don’t be too proud to tell them that you also felt pain and anger as a child. “I remember when the hunk in school did invited me to the matric farewell.” “I remember when I lost marks for a bad handwriting”

SET POSITIVE LIMITS.
Instead of saying “Don throw a tantrum, or don throw the chair around, or don’t bump your head”, you can say “When you’ve put the chair in it’s place, we can have a snack” During snack time you can say ”something must have upset you to throw the chair like that, would you like to talk about it?” When everything is calm and normal you can discuss his unacceptable behaviour with him. There are certain rules, which he/she has to adhere to – you do not throw a chair at your mother or at any person. When he can reason you ask him what are the consequences for throwing chairs around? He must carry the consequences. Everybody must first calm down, discuss the matter and then the consequences. The parent under no circumstances looses his cool. Be firm about the consequences. Help the child to understand his anger and help him to handle it. Be firm about the consequences.

REDIRECT ENERGY BURSTS.
Energy bursts often comes with anger. Encourage positive outlets like running, jumping, blowing into a horn, painting, listening o music. Do it without making a fuss. When I talk to a child about his anger, I like to play beautiful, soft music in the background. I read about a father who told his son to hammer a nail in their fence every time he was cross. In a Children’s Home we can give them a wooden board. Boys should have a punch bag in their room. Teach them to go to another room and get rid of their anger and not to direct at the person you are cross with. Give them the right to say “Dad I feel upset by what you have done or said.” Negotiate with him. “Paul this is my opinion but I would like to hear your opinion” If it is a rule that is broken then he must carry the consequences and remember to be fair, consistent, consequent but firm.
As I make progress with the bigger children I teach them to take deep up to ten deep breaths, to have a “pause button” on the pulse and if you are very cross to push the pause button, or to say I am very thirsty and fetch yourself a glass of water. You play for cooling time, I tell them and it works.
Temper tantrums can be ignored for that moment especially in smaller children. If they throw a tantrum to get their way, please don’t give in. An autistic or ADHD child can be held. It works. Hold them very tight and tell them you love them. Tell them the reason why you said no. It is half an hour before lunch and a cookie will spoil your appetite. Hold them for as long as you can.

PROVIDE A COOLING OFF PERIOD.
You can read for a while, reading together, or go for a walk. Then calmly discuss what happened. Now is the ideal time to make plans for his behaviour when it happens the next time.

AVOID POWER STRUGGLES.
If the rules and consequences have been formulated at a family meeting and the child know them and has agreed on them there will be little chance for a power struggle. A power struggle is a lose-lose situation. If your goal is to control, you will teach you child to control.

TEACH THEM THE VALUE OF LETTING GO AND FORGIVING.
The success of this lies in the modeling. Model forgiveness. The family culture should be one of kindness and forgiveness. Children should understand the principle that God forgives us many times and forget about what we have done.

Anger is a given in life. It is a definite part of the range of human emotions we experience all the time. We, as adults, must communicate to young people positive and peaceful ways of handling anger. We have to be in control of our emotions and be able to handle our anger in a positive way before we can help the children.

I have this message to childcare workers (and most probably for parents too) Please help children to understand that mad is not bad. It is normal to feel upset when you were wrongly and unfairly treated. There is a correct way to show your anger. Miss. Burger you said a nasty thing about me and it is not true. Talk to the child who makes this allegation, discuss the matter with him and he will feel that he is fairly treated and a worthwhile person.

SEPARATE THE BEHAVIOUR FROM THE PERSON.
In the childcare and parenting field we all know that we should say I don’t like your behaviour but I still love you.

FOLLOW THE STRENGTH BASED APPROACH.
Know your child’s strengths and weaknesses and focus on the strengths, affirm successes. Help him to overcome his weaknesses. Give him recognition every time that he handled his anger well.
Parents must ensure that they understand their children’s needs and must try and meet all the needs. Some children who have many unmet emotional needs and that unmet need may for instance be a need for love and the feeling of being unloved or rejecter turn into the secondary emotion of anger,

CONCLUSION
It is possible for a parent and caregiver to help a child overcome anger outbursts, manage and control his anger. The pre-requisite is for the adult to love the child unconditionally, to be in control of his own emotions and at peace with the world and himself. In a nurturing environment where a child feels safe and accepted success is within reach. Parents and caregivers must also have excellent communication and negotiation skills
If you are not successful seek help timeously. Help is a phone call away. Don’t let pride stand in the way of your family’s happiness.

INTRODUCTION
Children are often suffering because their parents lack emotional intelligence and parenting skills and are engaged in violent relationships with each other or with their children. The child is more vulnerable than the parents and much more should be done to give the parents the skills to raise happy, fulfilled children. Too many children are suffering because of the wrong doing of parents.

In my work as a social worker (supervisor, manager and director) in the child welfare field and in the church situation since 1957, I have presented many parenting courses, done family therapy and counseling. I found that in many instances a child’s needs are not met because often parents are not well equipped for the job. Parents are often in need of emotional intelligence and other parenting skills. One of the biggest problems parents experience is that they loose their temper, their cool and smack the child or pull the child by the ear, or kick the cat.

It also requires a great deal of effort, perseverance and patience to be successful as a parent. Parent’s need to be in control of their emotions. Since I have studied emotional intelligence, I came to the realization that emotional intelligent parents will raise emotional intelligent children while emotional intelligent children will grow up and be emotional intelligent parents. The cycle of emotional neglect and abuse will be broken. Because of the competency aspect, emotional intelligent people will also be more successful in their jobs resulting in financial stability and the ability to provide in their child’s physical needs. The interpersonal skills will enable them to be socially competent and to handle relationships well. This will be modeled to and given to their children. Emotional intelligent children will have a head start, including a positive self-image, good interpersonal skills, will be able to handle conflict and negotiate disagreements. They will be sympathetic, empathetic, considerate and be able to control their emotions and impulses. They will have problem solving skills.

Emotional intelligent parents separate people from their behaviour. Even in the midst of unacceptable behaviour the parent will send messages of approval and affirmation. It is imperative that emotional intelligence coaching should form part of parenting courses in order for parents to become clever emotionally.

In this article I strive to give you a foretaste of the benefits of bveing emotional intelligent or mature parents with the necessary skills.

WHAT DO WE UNDERSTAND BY THE CONCEPT “PARENTING”?
Parenting comprises all the tasks and responsibilities in raising a child to be happy, responsible, to reach his potential and become an independent and emotionally intelligent adult who loves Jesus with all his heart.

Parents must have the right approach. Eph 6:4 “Don’t provoke your children to anger.”

Luke 17:2 “Don’t cause the little ones to stumble”

Eph.6: 4 “Do bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord”.

Proverbs 22:6 “Do bring them up in the way they should go.”

The 5 dimensions of parenting are to provide in the following needs of the child:

PHYSICAL NEEDS
This includes the right kind of food, clothes, a home and assisting them to develop their body and be physically well. A child must be taught to like his body and care for his body. The physical need is the most basic need of the child.

EMOTIONAL NEEDS
Emotional development. Many people put social and emotional development together while I prefer to separate them and focus very specifically on the emotional development and well being of the child. A child must first lean to feel good about himself before he will reach out to others. A child needs to feel accepted by his parents. He needs to have an emotional bond with them. If the parents show their affection and affirm and acknowledge, the child will develop a positive self-image.

Children who are emotionally neglected and abused and in cases where one the other child is favoured, terrible losses occur in thinking patterns. The child looses his ability to care for others, his self-image deteriorate etc. Nobody loves me, I am not worth loving.

When children receive messages about themselves that they are defective, unloved worthless and do not measure up their basic identity if formed around a horribly wounded self-image.

Children need love, affirmation and acceptance. Parents must learn to b graceful o their children.

SOCIAL DEVELOPMENT
Emotional and social development areas are interrelated. A child must learn how to relate to other people and how to care for and love people. They must understand compassion for other people and also to respect other people and their feelings.

INTELECTUAL DEVELOPMENT
Developing your child’s mind is a very important aspect of parenting. Children should be stimulated according to age appropriate needs.

SPIRITUAL DEVELOPMENT
It is every Christian parent’s responsibility to teach his or her child about God and lead him to Christ.

WHAT DO WE UNDERSTAND BY THE CONCEPT “EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE”?

Emotional intelligence is that ability to recognise our own feelings and those of others, for managing emotions well in ourselves and in our relationships. In other words it is the ability to monitor one’s own and other’s emotions, to discriminate among them, and to use the information to guide one’s thinking and actions. It is abilities distinct from, but complementary to, academic intelligence, the purely cognitive capacities measured by IQ. Many people who are book smart but lack emotional intelligence end up working for people who have lower IQs than they, but who excel in emotional intelligence skills.

Emotional intelligence is the ability to know one’s own inner world and be fully comfortable with it. It is a set of skills that leads to greater stability, better academic and professional functioning, excellent social functioning, better physical health and more personal happiness. (Information obtained from reading Daniel Coleman’s books and other resources as stated in previous documents.)

The emotional intelligent person is a person with joy and peace in his inner being. He is optimistic and sees the positive side of life. Are you a cheerful parent? Do you really have deep-seated joy?

The emotional intelligent person has a good self-image. He likes himself and he likes other people. He feels good about himself. He has developed an ability tointeract well with other people. He understands the win/win/ paradigm that Arnold Mol and Stephen Covey talk about. Covey says that win/win is a frame of mind and heart that constantly seeks mutual benefit in all human interactions. Win/win means that agreements and solutions are mutually beneficial, mutuallysatisfying. Win/win sees life as a cooperative and not competitive arena. He has come to a place where he is at peace with himself and with those around him.

Coleman talks about an emotional/social competence framework, which includes

Self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy and social skills.

PARENTING THAT WILL ENSURE EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

SELF-ESTEEM

A parent needs a healthy self-esteem himself in order for him to model and assist his child to develop a healthy self-esteem and confidence. Self-esteem is what you think of yourself, how you value yourself. It is every parent’s responsibility to help a child to like and value himself.

HOW TO DEVELOP SELF-ESTEEM IN THE YOUNGER CHILD
Love
Every child needs to be loved by his parents. He must feel safe and secure in a loving and caring environment. A child needs to be touched and hugged. Every child needs to know that they are loved regardless of what they do and how they perform. They need unconditional love. Leave your child a legacy of love. When children know they are loved, they believe they are lovable. A home environment of warmth and affection should be created.
The development of emotional intelligence starts in the cradle. The patient, loving and caring mother will get up at night and feed and cuddle and love her baby and the baby will grow up with a feeling of contentment, I am loved and I am valued. This mother will rock the baby and sing lullabies for the little one. Another mother, she may be stressed or tired or not very interested in the well-being of her baby, may not get up or may get up and be in a hurry to get baby back to sleep as fast as possible. This baby misses out on from the start on emotional bonding and that feeling that I am worth caring for.

Empathy is taught in the cradle, yes from very young. A mother’s loving care, the bond with the mother, the mother’s attunement to the child, this lays the basis for empathy.

All the small exchanges between parent and child have an emotional subtext, and the repetition of these messages over the years form the core of a child’s emotional outlook and capabilities. Mathew goes to Dad and say “Daddy please help me to get the four corners of this puzzle”. Dad replies, “I think you can find them yourself but I will sit here with you and let’s see what we can do. It takes three minutes from the Dad’s time. The other Dad says “Please don’t bother me now I‘ve got important work to do”. When such encounters become typical of child and parent, they mould the child’s emotional expectations about relationships, outlooks that will flavour his functioning in all realms of life, for better or for worse. It could have costed the Dad three minutes a day or only a pleasant answer and Mathew feels content and cared for.

Every parent should make a commitment to put your child first. I want to quote from a book by Mike Philips on parenting. He is quoting from an article from his church bulletin.

My son turned to me the other day and said “Dad, I don’t think you spend enough time with me doing things I like to do” I though Why can’t he understand my pressures and growing responsibilities?

Further down in the article the Dad the Dad wrote my deeper conclusion is that my whirlwind home

Projects have really been excursions into my world of selfishness. My basic motivation has not really been the work at hand but, rather, to isolate myself from responsibilities to communicate with my wife and children. Dad I don’t think you’re spending enough time with me doing things I like to do. Translated, this is really, Dad I miss you, Dad can I play with? Dad, spend some time with me.

No better investment of time and energy can be made than devoting time to your child. Under Christ’s lordship, your family must be preeminent above other interests, activities and goals if you are going to raise a godly child. Time spent in close interaction, instruction or coaching can affect your child’s life permanently. It is the time that you can build godliness into your child.

Acceptance
For a child to develop a healthy self-esteem he must be accepted for what he is. Arnold Mol says that it should be a rule in the house not to make unfavourable or favourable comparisons as far as your child is concerned. Your child must feel he is unique. You must also give your child acceptance to fail. You will still love him and accept him even he fails. Never threaten a child that he/she will loose your love if he does not perform.

Significance
Every child should feel significant and unique. He must develop his own uniqueness and not uniqueness you want him to have. If your child ha a talent for music, for sport or drama, help him develop that area. It is the parent’s duty to help the little ones find their own area in which they can excel.

Affirmation
Your child needs regular affirmation. Molly, you look so lovely to day. I am so proud that your marks for history improved so much. You really made a serious effort and you reaped the fruits. Or I saw that you helped your little brother with his homework. You have such a kind and caring spirit. The parent focuses on the child’ s strengths and assets.

Respect
One way of to help build children’s self-esteem is for parents to base their relationships with them on mutual respect. Mutual respect means believing and behaving as if both parent and child are unconditionally valuable. As the parent treats the child with respect, the child will return the respect to the parent and will also respect others.

Encouragement
Encouragement helps children develop positive thoughts, attitudes and beliefs about themselves. Encouragement can help a child appreciate his or her own unique individual qualities. Parents must beware not to make favourable comparisons when encouraging.

Show appreciation
You’ve helped me so much by laying the table and by pouring Dad a cool drink. You are only four and helped me so much to day. I appreciate you.

Spend focused time with each child
You can spend the whole day with your child but gave her no personal, focused attention. A child’s sense of self-worth is directly influenced by the amount of time a parent spends with that child. Focused time is very important. It is doing an activity with the child like playing a game etc.

Emotional intelligent people like themselves, they believe in themselves and therefore a good self-image gives the child a head start in his journey to emotional intelligence.

If, as a parent you want to help your child to be emotionally (and socially) intelligent start by helping him/her develop a healthy self-image.

Feelings
A child who is loved and accepted by his parents can easily be coached about his own feelings and an understanding of other people’s feelings. Parents should go one step further and teach the child from very young to recognize and express her/his feelings. I am so happy. My best friend hurt my feelings. Joshua pulled a face at me and I am cross. How often will a parent say “but that is no reason to be cross”, instead of sympathizing with him. Parents can also use words carrying feelings. I am feeling motivated or inspired or I am so disappointed that I did not get the post I applied for. For the development of emotional intelligence we help our children to learn more about their own feelings and other people’s feelings. The more feeling words used by parents, the more sensitive the child becomes to his inner reality. Most of us tend to use few emotion words in our daily walk with children and if we do we do use feeling words we do not use a variety of words, it is the same few over and over again. We must move beyond sad, mad and scared. I usually ask children to discuss things for me in colour or in pictures. Exited, enthusiastic, hopeful (the 6 years old love this word), proud, relieved, calm, peaceful, insulted hurt, bored. The child must be helped to arrived at a place of inner certainty, inner well-being. Parents should empathetically name the child’s feelings. Four-year-old Nicky is afraid of water and say I do not want a swimming lesson to day. If Dad would say Nicky I see you are afraid of the water, but you have to go in. The “ but “

makes this statement not helpful. Parents should cut the word but out of their vocabulary. Dad could say I know you are afraid of water and that it is very hard for you to take swimming lessons. Remember the fun you had with your teacher last week. She showed you different movements and she promised that you do not have to put your head in the water this week. Come let us try and go a bit deeper before she comes. I will hold your hand. The reality of the child’s feelings has been acknowledged. Often parents are very impatient with their children’s errors or feelings that they cannot do something correctly.

Let us take as an example this little girl called Anthea. Her father is trying to teach her a new game of cards. Anthea just cannot understand what she should do and is feeling helpless. Her father says to her don’t be stupid. It is an easy game. He implies that she is stupid. This contributes to her feeling of hopelessness or helplessness. Another father may ignore her feelings altogether. Often parents fail to use emotional moments as a chance to get closer to the child and help the child learn lessons in emotional competence. How often would a parent shout to a child wait, be patient, while he is so impatient and short tempered?

Other parents don’t care to help a child through his difficult emotions.

Parents can seize the opportunity of a child’s upset to act as an emotional coach or mentor. They take their child’s feeling seriously enough to try and understand exactly what is upsetting them. You are really struggle to understand this game. I am sure if we try once more you will be able to understand it. Or you are angry because Tommy hurt your feelings. Play here on the ground by mommy for a while. The moment he feels that you understand that he is cross he will be o.k. Mommy understands.

It is the parent’s responsibility to help children find their own personal happiness in life by encouraging them to not only think for themselves, but to feel for themselves – in other words to listen to their feelings and follow them rather than doing what everyone thinks they should do.

MUTUAL RESPECT, CO-OPERATION, EMPATHY
This was discussed under the heading building your child’s self esteem.

The child must be able to sense what people are feeling, being able to take their perspective, and to cultivate rapport and attunement with a diversity of people. The child must come to a place where he understands that not everyone is the same or feels the same. It is wonderful to see how children become more understanding of the fact that we are different: that we each have different needs, fears, desires and preferences. People working with the youth must also be emotional intelligent to understand that for example, teenagers differ very much. I know this lovely teenage girl who does not like camping. She is not the outdoor type. Usually the most terrible things will happen to her on a camp. Quite often she comes home very ill. The rest of the youth are outdoor and sport freaks. Understanding about differences leads to greater compassion and helps teach children to respect each other’s feelings and individuality. It teaches them that they will get more accomplished when they co-operate and collaborate with others and that we feel better when we help others.

SELF CONTROL, CALM AND BEING IN CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE
When the mind is calm, when you feel good about yourself and there is little stress in your life, your working memory functions at it’s best. This means that the child with EI will be able to use his IQ well and perform in exams and in other fields. EI helps a person and will help a child perform better in all spheres of life. Emotional intelligence will determine how a child uses his IQ. Parent, a child with emotional intelligence will improve in all spheres of functioning.

It is a parenting responsibility to coach your child to manage impulsive feelings anddistressing emotionswell. As we’ve said earlier on, in early childhood parents should talk about feelings, recognize feelings and teach them the marshmallow principle, help them to understand the benefit of waiting in order to get a better deal.

Parents must coach their children how to handle pain. A child must know that all wont go well always. There will be disappointments and hurt. Friends will disappointment them. It is this strength that a child needs coaching in before they are teenagers. When Emma’s boyfriend drops her and starts dating her best friend Emma must be able to say, “Johnny and Cynthia disappointed me, they really hurt me, I am paining inside, but I realize that I must go on with my life.” You, as the parent, must help her to take action. Emma must come to a place where she says, “Johnny wants to move on, so I will move on, I will re-organise my life and fill the empty space with other activities. It is sore inside me, but I can make it. I am not going to sit on a heap. I admit the pain. I will also see the positive side of things. Johnny did not like my girl friends. I can now join them in going to the movies on a Saturday morning. I will put more effort in studying history. I will win and fill my life with other fun activities”. She must be helped to admit and recognise the pain and then decide I can win. I will take control of my life”. The first time this happen you are there as a safety net but she will be able to handle it on her own through your guidance and coaching.

Slowly, as your children grow older they will learn to think clearly and to remain focused under pressure. Soon they will be able to stay composed, positive and unflappable.

SOCIAL SKILLS
The person with EI will be handling emotions in relationships well and will be able to accurately read social situations. He will be able to socialize easily with other children and adults. Parents should pay strict attention to the words that flow in your home. Are they positive or negative? Are you as the parent positive?

Negative Positive
I’m sick of this weather. It’s pancake weather.
Get out of my way. Excuse me, please.
Stop that! Please don’t do that again, I am reading.
These prices make me mad. It’s expensive, but the Lord will provide.
Don’t bother me now. I am sorry I cant help you now, but in 15 minutes time I will be available.
Not bad, but could have been better. I really like what you did.

If a child is always griping and complaining a parent who is doing the same is near. The child will adopt not only the parent’s words but also his mannerisms.

For a child to be kind, complimentary and appreciative, he needs the same words and treatment from his parents. Modeling is more important than training or coaching. You can talk to your child about thankfulness, for instance, but they must see you act it out. Thanks Mom for a very nice dinner. Thank the child for whatever he or she is doing. When instilling obedience you must often be firm and unbending. However when teaching a new task, much leniency and patience are necessary.

When you expect visitors who also have pre-school children plan some activities beforehand. Plan them in such a manner that they can still make choices etc. Put clay out, or paint out or building blocks and books to read. A pen and paper is always very helpful.

PERSONAL POWER
Emotional Intelligence goes hand in hand with personal power. I’ve talked a lot about a belief in one’s abilities. It is that belief that gives you personal power. Your child will feel safe and secure when he sees your trustworthiness, your reliability, your persistence and your conscientiousness. He will then develop personal power. “I can and I will and I shall do a good job, or pass the difficult exam” It is the parent’s responsibility to affirm, affirm and again affirm the child.

This is also the time that a child could be coached about procrastination

UNDISCOVERED ABILITIES AND RESOURCES
EI will help your child discover more abilities and resources in himself or herself. This is when creativity blooms. This can happen from very small.

It is a parent’s responsibility to develop his child’s mind. You can start by playing music to the baby, by talking with her/him, by stimulating him/her age appropriately. Many parents are lazy and lackadaisical to stimulate their children adequately. The brain has an incredible capacity and is very under utilized. A child must be coached and motivated to use his/her brain. With the child’s belief in himself and being emotionally intelligent it will be a much easier job. The parent should help the child to develop an attitude of learning and help keep the child’s mind open to a lifetime of learning. There must be creative encouragement, creative coaching or instructions and creative correction. The parent can help the child come to the belief that in him is an undiscovered genius and much undeveloped potential.

A child stop believing in himself as a result of the parent’s parenting style, talking down the child, thinking the child is dumb, favouring another child and many other wrongs like criticizing, impatience, shouting and screaming and a slap on the head. That is the most degrading action. A parent should apologise and put things right and really be sorry. I want to tell you about this family. The mother came to see me and discuss the problems they’ve been experiencing with their two boys, Alan and Philip, aged 11 and 12. Philip was struggling with his schoolwork and he was caught smoking at school. After two months of family therapy sessions, the mother one night said that she kept this information that she is going to share with us now, for many years in her heart and she feels to share it now. Since Alan’s birth the father favoured Alan. Little Philip tried so hard to get attention from his father and even when the father played with him, he would be nasty. He would pin Philip on the floor and held his legs and arms and tickled him till he cried and then the father, Derrick, would say, you cry baby one can’t even play with you. Alan was always in the father’s arms or on his lap. When the father tried to deny favouritism, Philip agreed with the mother. The father was very impatient with Philip. Philip often got a smack on the head, a pull on the ear. While the father was very patient with Alan, he was very impatient with Philip. A story of favouritism, unfairness, and impatience unfolded. The father was tripping Philip, instead of equipping him. Dad and Mom were professional people and took a lot of strain in their jobs. Derrick, through the years, blamed Annette for working long hours. He made no effort to help her and enable her to stay at home. He was forever spending money on the house, on new cars, etc. People thought him to be a very calm, pleasant person. Unfortunately at home with Mom and the children, he showed a different side of his personality. He stressed very easily. Although the term emotional intelligence was not used in those years, the sessions helped the father to see his mistakes and to act more responsibly. Above all he, developed a positive relationship with Philip. Four months and seventeen sessions later, the situation slowly started to change. I met Philip in town, the other day. He is now in his second year at U P E and Alan in his first year at the Technicon. He looked well and confident.

Parents start to day to tell your child how smart she/he is. Sit with your child, stimulate your child and help him develop to his full potential. Give your children the attention, love, acceptance and security they need. Parents must keep their cool. You do not have to yell, or loose your temper. You are the adult and surely you are capable of finding other ways to del with your frustration.

LEAD YOUR CHILD TO CHRIST

Kerry Southey visited our church recently. She told us that her children accepted the Lord at pre-school age. She also told us about a little one of three years old who spoke in tongues. Arnold Mol’s three children made a commitment before they were of school going age.

It is very easy to teach your children about God in their pre-school years. It is a time when they are very receptive. Lay a foundation in them that they are loved and cared for by you their parent and also by our heavenly Father, who is a powerful God. You will be building a foundation of love in their lives by nurturing them. While hugging them and kissing them and back rubbing them you tell them about God and Jesus and their wonderful love and care. Your loving actions must reveal God to them. Have fun filled bible and prayer times with them at night. “The joy of the Lord is my strength”. Knowing the Lord and understanding His love, care and protection will give your child a head start. The Lord will guide your child and protect him in times of danger. This will give him/her inner strength, calm and peace. He will find his sufficiency in the Lord. A last thought I want to leave with you “Allow God’s grace to operate in your family” Clothe yourself with His grace and all the fruits of the Spirit.

(In a next paper I focus in depth on Christian parenting and emotional intelligence)

CONCLUSION

The family forms the cornerstone of any community. Healthy families will ensure healthy communities. The family is the single most important factor in the moulding of a person. It prepares a child to reach for her/his ultimate potential and more important his God ordained destiny, or it cripples him to such an extent that his self-image is negative and he never reaches his destiny. Parents, this great responsibility rests on your shoulders. It is your responsibility to shape and train and prepare them. Take the challenge and assist your child to develop emotional intelligence, enabling him to reach his full potential. Love your child unconditionally. Have fun. Pray for your child.

I wanted to write about the emotional intelligent Christian. To do that I studied and read many books and articles and came to the conclusion that I must first clearly understand what emotional intelligence means before I can discuss the emotional intelligent Christian. In three very short sections I want to take you on a journey where I describe my concept of:
What emotional intelligence means.
The emotional intelligent leader and
The emotional intelligent Christian.

DEFINITION
Coleman: “Emotional intelligence refers to the capacity for recognizing our own feelings and those of others, for motivating ourselves and for managing emotions well in ourselves and in our relationships. It describes abilities distinct from, but complementary to, academic intelligence, the purely cognitive capacities measured by I Q. Many people who are book smart but lack emotional intelligence end up working for people who have lower IQ s than they, but who excel in emotional intelligence skills”. How many times I have not seen this happen in my work as a social worker, supervisor, manager and Director.

The emotional intelligent person believes there is a deep well of incredible potential within him. He also believes there is a genius within him. He likes himself and has a good self-image. Unfortunately all of us do not become all we could have been because of a lack of emotional intelligence and this belief in ourselves. With this paper on emotional intelligence my wish is to help you to become as emotional intelligent a person as you can be.

In his second book on emotional intelligence, called WORKING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE Daniel Coleman also gives the following framework on emotional competence which clearly describe emotional intelligence in the workplace: (I QUOTE THIS FROM HIS BOOK) The section in the block.

PERSONAL COMPETENCE
Self-Awareness.
Knowing one’s internal preferences, resources and intuitions

Emotional awareness: Recognizing one’s emotions and their effects.
Accurate self-assessment: Knowing one’s strengths and limits.
Self-confidence: A strong sense of one’s self-worth and capabilities.
Self-regulation.
Managing one’s internal states, impulses and resources.

Self-control: Keeping disruptive emotions and impulses in check.
Trustworthiness: Maintaining standards of honesty and integrity.
Conscientiousness: Taking responsibility for personal performance.
Adaptability: Flexibility in handling change.
Innovation: Being comfortable with novel ideas, approaches and new information.

Motivation.
Emotional tendencies that guide or facilitate reaching goals.
Achievement drive: Striving to improve or meet a standard of excellence
Commitment: Aligning with the goals of the group or organization.
Initiative: Readiness to act on opportunities.
Optimism: Persistence in pursuing goals despite obstacles and setbacks.

SOCIAL COMPETENCE
These competencies determine how we handle relationships.

Empathy.
Awareness of other’s needs and concerns.

Understanding others: Sensing others’ feelings and perspectives and taking an active interest in their concerns.
Developing others: Sensing others’ development needs and bolstering their abilities.
Service orientation: Anticipating, recognizing and meeting customers’ needs
Leveraging diversity: Cultivating opportunities through different kinds of people.
Political awareness: Reading a group’s emotional currents and power relationships.
Social skills
Adeptness at inducing desirable responses in others.

Influence: Wielding effective tactics for persuasion.
Communication: Listening openly and sending convincing messages.
Conflict management: Negotiating and resolving disagreements.
Leadership: Inspiring and guiding individuals and groups.
Change catalyst: Initiating or managing change.
Building bonds: Nurturing instrumental relationships.
Collaboration and co-operation: Working with others toward shared goals.
Team capabilities: Creating group synergy in pursuing collective goals.
End of quote

During the presentation of my paper the abovementioned will be discussed in great detail. This entails brainstorm sessions, working in groups at times and alone at times.

Another aspect of emotional intelligence is a belief in one self. In my own opinion I see the emotional intelligent person as a person who is in control of his emotions but who believes that in him is a genius, and much undeveloped potential and have the desire to become great and achieve. You will become great if you have the desire, the determination, the faith and by being desperate enough to say no to the security of mediocrity. I want to prompt you into the success you are hungry for.

What other characteristics will we find in the Emotional Intelligent person ?

He is a person with a strategy and a plan for his life. You must have a purpose and be goal oriented. It is no use to believe in oneself and do nothing about it. Such person will know where he is going to and will have a plan or strategy developed.
His life will be fun-filled and full of joy.
He will understand the three sections of the brain plus the functions of the Amygdala.
It is clear from the above that the emotional intelligent person is able to understand his own emotions, recognize them, and is in control of his emotions. He does not react to situations but responds. He pushes the pause button and waits until he or she is able to respond appropriately and effectively. He endeavours to understand why the other person responded in this particular manner. To understand emotional intelligence it is important to understand the functions and workings of the Amygdala. In their book Response Ability Pathways (RAP) Larry Brendtro and Leslie du Toit describe The Triune Brain and give a very simple explanation for child care workers the functions of the Amygdala, the Survival Brain, the Emotional Brain and the Logical brain. In his 1 st book on Emotional Intelligence Coleman comprehensively describes the working of the brain. At first I did not give too much attention to this, as I did not read the sections in his book about evolution etc. The theory of the triune brain comes from the evolution theory of Paul McLeod. To study the brain and especially the functions of the Amygdala, the thalamus, the Emotional Brain and the necrotic is very important. This we will discuss in great detail. I’ve developed interesting information that is very important for social workers and child care workers. As the repository for emotional memory, the amygdala scans experience, comparing what is happening now with what happened in the past. I will leave you with this information for the time being.
He has humility. Humility is the internal quality that prefers others and exalts them, while on the other hand appraising one’s self realistically. Humility realizes that the only decent way to live is to be motivated beyond yourself: to serve and help others, to be more in the giving than the getting. When this principle becomes an inner value and is practiced with consistency, the getting will take care of itself. Humility is the opposite of pride.
The emotional intelligent person has character. Character separates the mature from the juvenile, the champion from the mediocre, the true leaders from the masses of pretenders. A man’s reputation is only what men think him to be. His character is what God knows him to be. As a man thinks in his heart so is he. He listens and communicates well to other people, especially concerning emotions and thoughts (denke).
He is adaptable and responds creatively to setbacks and obstacles. He shoulders his responsibilities. Today you can take the decision to stretch yourself to far beyond what you ever dreamt you could do. Failure will be a challenge to greater success.
Another one of his outstanding characteristic is, fairness. Favouratism is not one of his weaknesses. An emotional intelligent person is far above this. He helps other people to be fair too.
He manages himself well, has confidence, is well motivated and goal orientated. He is co-operative and works well in a team and can negotiate disagreements. This is one of his very strong points that he believes in negotiation and is able to do it effectively. He has an abundance mentality. Lets both win. People must feel that the disagreement was well handled and that they were listened to and given a chance to put their side of the issue.
Emotional intelligent people are assertive but not blaming and shaming. They also endeavour not to hurt people. They take responsibility for their emotions and their deeds. They know the values and ethics driving them and stick to them. They do not take part in office gossip, church gossip or gossip whatsoever. They take a firm stand not to listen to secrets about other people. They are open to positive criticism in the work place and in the leadership role. They have the courage to stand up against false criticism and discuss it with the giver of the criticism.
The emotional intelligent person has compassion for people.

They also eat correctly. Food has a direct impact on how you feel, on your emotions. I will attach a list of foods that every person should eat on a very regular basis. It is not meant as a medicine but for a healthy lifestyle. They exercise and look well after their bodies.
They are fruitful. They are achievers and enjoy it without too much stress. You can read more about fruitfulness in section 3, the emotional intelligent Christian.

SELF CONTROL AND THE EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENT PERSON
Emotional self-regulation includes not just clamping down distress or stifling impulse; it also means intentionally eliciting an emotion, even an unpleasant one. The notion of emotional self-control does not mean denying or repressing true feelings. It does not mean the stifling of all feeling and spontaneity. Emotional competence means we have a choice in how we express our feelings. It is an emotional finesse. I am in control of my emotions. I have a pause button. . It does not take from me the right to say I feel upset with what you have said, I am angry. It is the way in which I am going to say it. I can handle disruptive emotions and impulses effectively. I can stay composed, positive and unflappable even in trying moments. I think clearly and stay focused under pressure.

A story from Coleman’s book:

Bill Gates is cross. He is in a small, crowded room at the Microsoft campus with 20 young Microsofties around an oblong table. His eyes are bulging and his oversized glasses are askew. His face is flushed and spit is flying from his mouth. Most look at him with outright fear. The sour smell of sweaty terror filled the room. While Gates continues his angry tirade, the hapless programmers fumbled and stuttered. All to no avail. Then a small, soft-spoken Chinese woman stood up. She seemed unfazed by his tantrum. She looked him in the eye and spoke softly. She interrupted his tirade twice and addressed him in quiet tones. The first time her words seemed to calm him a bit before his shouting resumed. The second time he listened in silence, thoughtfully, gazing down at the table. Then his anger suddenly vanished and he told, “Okay, this looks good. Go ahead” With that he ends the meeting.

The skill of self-control is largely invisible – it manifests largely in the absence of more obvious emotional fireworks. Signs include being unfazed under stress or handling a hostile person without lashing out in return.

The principle of staying calm despite provocation is a skill a social worker has to learn early in our professional lives. A client often provokes us and then we have to remain calm and in control.

A person with self-control shows trustworthiness and conscientiousness. Trustworthy people act ethically and are above reproach. They build trust through their reliability and authenticity. They admit their own mistakes and confront unethical actions in others. They take tough principled stands even it make them unpopular. They will take their stand in a calm soft-spoken and relaxed way but will be very firm about it. No compromise. Conscientious people meet commitments and keep promises. They hold themselves accountable for meeting their objectives. They are organized and careful in their work. They are punctual, careful in doing work, self-disciplined and scrupulous in attending to responsibilities. They follow the rules; they help out and are concerned about the people they work with. I cannot end the self-control section without mentioning the skill of innovation and adaptability. It is important for an emotional intelligent person to be innovative and adaptable.

People with innovation

Seek out fresh ideas from a wide variety of sources
Entertain original solutions to problems
Generate new ideas
Take fresh perspectives and risks in their thinking
People with adaptability
Smoothly handle multiple demands, shifting priorities, and rapid change
Adapt their responses and tactics to fit fluid circumstances
Are flexible in how they see events.