Parenting with Grace
I found an article on the Internet by Clarkson about Grace parenting and this was the article that I was looking for my whole life because I believe in grace living. He writes amongst others and this intrigued me: “I must admit, I like rules and regulations; in my unredeemed heart I\’m a Pharisee. And honestly, a great deal of the parenting information available today is based on the idea that parents can correct wrongdoing with a formula, rather than with faith. Frankly, the if/then approach to discipline is awfully appealing to most parents. It gives us a sense of control, a belief that we can get our children to obey us if we simply follow the steps laid out by some book or seminar. I know for certain that it\’s easier just to lay down the law than it is to offer grace.” Quotaion ends.

And I realized that what is so very true for so many parents is the “control” I get concerned when I hear a parent answer a child on the child’s question “Why” because I say so.
Clarkson’s next words are so true:
“However, in my grace-touched heart, I want to be more like Jesus—acknowledging the rules but looking to the heart. Jesus came to set us free from the law by giving us his grace (Rom. 6:14). His approach was not about making and enforcing laws, but about helping sinners grow into deeper relationships with God. If I want to parent my children as I am parented by God, I must look at them through the eyes of grace, rather than solely through the eyes of law.”
This truth has been in my heart for a long time, parents must parent their childen as they are parented by God. We must look at them through the eyes of grace, rather than solely through the eyes of law. I wish that I can help parents and convince parents of this great truth parent your children with grace.
Clarkson continues by saying: “When I talk about parenting with grace, there are moms and dads who bristle a little. To them, \”grace\” sounds like \”permissiveness.\” They think I\’m advocating a style of parenting where even the gravest wrongdoing is brushed off with a gentle reminder to \”try a different approach next time.\” But that\’s not at all what grace is really about. In Titus 2:11, the apostle Paul notes that God\’s grace \”brings salvation.\” He goes on to say that it is grace that \”teaches us to say \’No\’ to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age\” (v. 12). In other words, my children need grace to learn how to choose not to sin and instead choose to obey God.
That\’s the target of what I call \”spiritual discipline,\” which begins with a bigger understanding of biblical grace. When you correct your child, you want to know that you are working on both the external behavior and the internal understanding. With grace, you are reaching your child\’s heart and opening the door for God\’s Spirit to work in your child.
In the evangelical Christian tradition, we often talk about three channels through which God\’s grace comes to us: God\’s Word, prayer, and fellowship. We open a channel for God\’s grace to flow into our lives when he speaks to us (God\’s Word), when we speak to God (prayer), and when God speaks to and through us with other Christians (fellowship). Part of our role as we discipline our children is to help open up these channels in their lives so that God\’s grace can pour in.
1. Open the channel of God\’s Word
Just as we try to show our children that we rely on Scripture for guidance, we also want them to see that we trust in its promises. When we\’re faced with a choice, we want to show them that we believe the promises of Scripture, not just about salvation and heaven, but about issues like seeking wisdom (James 1:5), trusting that God will provide for our financial needs (Phil. 4:19), and knowing that God will right a wrong (Rom. 12:17-19). When children see parents believing in the promises of God\’s Word, the Scriptures become \”living and active\” to them.
2. Open the channel of prayer
Perhaps one of the most important acts of discipline I can do for my children is to pray for God to work in their hearts. Prayer is an act of faith that affirms I believe there is a God who is personal, who loves us, and who cares about our choices. The grace brought into our children\’s lives by our example of prayer can be a powerful influence over how they relate to God.
But many parents, myself included, forget to take discipline issues to prayer. Think about it: When you correct your child, if the matter is not taken into the presence of God it will be nothing more than an act of parental discipline. When your children need discipline, make prayer your first response. Pray aloud for God\’s wisdom, patience, and grace. Then, think about how you can handle the situation in a way that not only corrects the behavior, but also encourages your child to choose more righteous behavior next time.
In your regular prayers for your children, remember to ask God to give them responsive spirits, soft hearts, and willing minds. Pray that God will remind them of Scriptures, that they will feel convicted when they sin, that they will say \”no\” to sin on their own. Pray that God will protect them from evil. Pray for godly friends to spur them on to good deeds, and for growing insight about following God. And here\’s the important part: Tell your children about your prayers for them. Let them know it thrills you to see God at work in their lives.
3.Open the channel of fellowship
When children sin, their natural response is to hide the sin and to separate themselves emotionally and spiritually from you. You might even find yourself pulling away from your child emotionally when he\’s done something that really bothers you. But God intends for us to \”carry each other\’s burdens\” (Gal. 6:2), to \”spur one another on toward love and good deeds\” (Heb. 10:24). This is yet another reason grace is an essential part of the discipline equation; it turns discipline into a relationship issue, rather than a behavioral issue. In walking alongside your child as he confesses his sin and seeks forgiveness, you\’ll be guiding his heart—not just his actions—toward righteousness.
Fellowship is also essential for showing children that all people sin and feel guilty, that God forgives them, and that other people still love them. When your child misbehaves, resist the urge to walk away in disgust or add to her shame with discouraging words (\”I knew you\’d end up fighting with your sister.\”). Instead, touch them gently while you correct them, look them in the eye, hug them when you\’ve worked through the issue and are ready to move on. If they need to apologize to a sibling or friend, hold their hand or stand beside them during the apology to show your support for this move to make amends. Use positive words to let them know you believe they will make a better decision in the future (\”You\’re usually so kind to your friends. I think that you\’ll be able to control your temper next time.\”).”
This last paragraph of Clarkson blessed me tremendously. If parents can just understand how important it is to degrade or put your children down. Sometimes a child made a little mistake and the parent will punish him as if he has committed a murder and. I like the touch him gently and by walking alongside your child as he confesses his sin and seeks forgiveness, you\’ll be guiding his heart—not just his actions—toward righteousness.
Clarkson also says that your child will also benefit from sensing fellowship with God during times of discipline. When you correct your child, talk about the ways God can help him make better choices. Emphasize God\’s desire to work in your child\’s heart so he can live the life God wants for him. Stressing God\’s role as a helper doesn\’t mean we take God\’s judgment of our sin out of the picture, but rather that we include grace as God\’s primary response to sin.
When children sense God holding them and loving them in the midst of their sin, they\’ll be more inclined to turn to him for help.
I want to conclude by agreeing with him on the following: Strengthen your fellowship with your children by setting aside one-on-one time with each child throughout the week. Use this time to encourage your child\’s spiritual growth and share your prayers and special Scriptures with him. When the time comes for discipline, you\’ll have an indispensable foundation of trust and understanding to build on.
The next time your child acts up, remember to invite God into the process of shaping your child\’s character. When you do, you\’ll find that what was once a battle of wills has become a time of real growth and deepening faith—for you and your child.
I challenge parents to live by grace and to parent with grace.
Tia Wessels